How T-Camp Helped Me Discover My Value

"I am giving myself to me" - Kaleef Lauren


As one of the few trans women of color along side Lexi, Bea, Miss 21, Bamby Salcedo, and Dan to attend the third round of T-Camp 2014, I am proud to say that I went! 

T-Camp is a retreat designed to help gender queer, transgender, and gender questioning college students find solidarity by discussing various aspects of our identities such as race, class, sexuality, society, and life. Through this trip learned to how live. By living, I learned how to be open and just live in myself, not caring about anyone who opposes it. 

I learned that, despite all of the difficult discussions on how we can live our lives...our lives do mean something. Especially trans people of color.

I constantly remained open to learning from other people who are similar to me. It felt good to be around people who also did not fit in and were sort of the outcasts of society. A weight was lifted off of me as soon as we got off the bus and went to our cabins. Unfortunately, I had a really bad bug bite accident that caused me to go to urgent care and miss some important sessions during the retreat. None of the less, I persevered and continued to milk all of the discussions I could attend with my eye swollen shut and 15 bite marks all over my body. 

This trip gave me the strength to be myself, living full time as the woman I have always been. I have been committed to the new me since December 18th, 2013. It is freeing, a rush in my gut, a fire has awakened that I've always known was there. The rush of living my life for me, it's exciting despite the difficulties.

I also learned that I cannot rely on anyone to validate my womanhood but me. I'm the woman who is in the four walls with herself at night. I'm the power, the wonder woman I've always envisioned myself to be as a child. Bamby Salcedo, the largest transgender advocate in Los Angeles, gave me some great advice. She told me to stay focused and view myself as a warrior, because I was chosen to do this. To have someone of her stature give me a "nod" sent chills down my spine but I was excited! She also did an exercise with the trans feminine group called the power stand. She urged all of us to stand up and place our hands on our hips, hold our heads up, and bask in our strength. I've never felt so empowered as a trans women in my life. I actually felt my strength and realized the power I hold. 



I also did my best to discuss how my identity as an African American, working class, trans women affects my life in various ways to other students who were not people of color and privileged. There are certain things I deal with due to my identity because the world  that we live in is not that friendly towards people like me.The point was to learn form others and also educate others. What matters is that I am here, we are here, and we are LIVING. We hold so much value and are necessary. We matter to the world but we must remain strong and live for us regardless of how anyone feels. I've learned to be very unapologetic, because life is way to short to live it for someone else. So, I'd rather take this risk and pray that I stay strong against the adversity that is ahead of me. 


The change has arrived, the work is being done. I feel damn good for embracing me, no longer denying the woman that I've been for the past 20 years of my life. Thank you so much T-camp, the staff and faculty who created it, the new friends I've met, and the students who wrote me affirmation cards (I didn't get to write much of any cards due to me being sick and so forth but I send you ALLL LOVE!). It means a lot to me to exist, to live right now. 


Xoxo - Kaleef Lauren

Life is a Beautiful Struggle

Although I struggle, I continue to struggle, I hope that one day I'll be solid. I hope that one day when I wake up, I'll look out MY window and know MY value. I'll know that all of the sacrifices, blood, sweat, and tears mean something not only to myself, but to someone else.

I'll feel connected, I'll feel as if my voice matters. In a world that constantly tells me no, tells us NO, "You don't belong, you don't fit in, your not Black enough, your not classy enough, your not man enough, your not woman enough, your not rich enough, I hope that when I look out MY window, my perspective, my voice, my being, will have a positive affect on the lives of others like me and not.

For all of us who are different, rather it be our skin color, gender, sexuality, gender expression, physical ability, ethnicity, religion, thoughts, just know that you are special. And like you, I struggle to see that in myself, sometimes I forget my worth because so many around me constantly tell me that I'm not worthy. But I am, we are. So for all the outcasts out there, I see you baby.

The answers are there, the answers aren't there. Some people know, some people don't know. Does anyone really know?

So just take a look, look out your window, and know that life is a beautiful struggle.

B. Scott's First Public Appearance Since BET Controversy

Fellow love muffins, B.Scott recently spoke up about BET's wrong doings. If you all don't know, during the pre-show of the BET awards, B.Scott was forced into men's clothing and humiliated on the carpet. Click here for more details ( http://lovebscott.com/news/open-letter-what-really-happened-to-me-at-the-bet-awards/). 

I support B. Soctt 100% and feel that he is making the right decision. As an LGBT person of color, we have to defend ourselves at all costs. So proud that he is speaking and not backing down. I send all of my blessings! :)

Peep the emotional video below. 

The Weight

The Weight of It all 

As I sit and reflect on what has occurred  within the last two months, I can't help but feel worn out. What hurts is the fact that there is nothing that I can do for Trayvon Martin and the 17 year old Jamaican Boy. It's frustrating. Both of them are not getting the justice they deserve. 

I feel the weight if it on my back, on my heart. It's heavy. 

We care, and we know what happened. We know it wasn't right and that innocent lives were taken away. 

A lillte ole me is simply putting this out there in hopes that someone will take something away from the acknowledgment. 

They are me and are a part of me. 

Hugs, kisses, and wishes. 

"B. Scott - Mother Muffin Snubbed by the BET Awards"

"Look, we all know its a political world and things work a certain way, but in entertainment you would think that one could fully express themselves without any barriers."

So I must do this for the record. For the community. For all Black LGBT people who are constantly silenced by the white community and  black community. B Scott, a famous YouTube sensation that has expanded his career into the likes of E Entertainment, Bravo, The Tyra Banks Show, Mariah Carey, Jamie Fox & Sirius Radio, and Ebony Magazine; is definitely one of LGBT's finest.

The BET Awards snubbed B. Scott, telling him to switch out of his heels during the BET pre- show. Now first of all you know B. Scott looked fabulous, hair laid and face BEAT FOR THE HEAVENS, GALAXIES, and GODS.It saddens me because B.Scott didn't even look like himself. As a true love muffin  I'm sure other love muffins feel me, B. Scott DID NOT LOOK HAPPY. He didn't look like himself. He seemed distraught, as if he was trying to hold it in and I know it burned his spirit on the inside. I honestly thought BET supported him FULLY. 
So lets think critically about this. Why was he snubbed BET? Is it because he challenges what the black community constantly neglects? Is it because he is fabulous and looks better than have of the females? Is it because HE IS LIVING IN HIS TRUTH!? Y'all got the game twisted. How are you going to hire someone and then change them!? It's ENTERTAINMENT, not corporate America.


We're you afraid that B. Scott would send the wrong message to viewers? Y'all need to check his plate boo! His viewers are DIVERSE! If anything he would've helped your brand. He would have helped strengthen your BRAND! Your trying to do better BET and I see it, but this was not right. It's disrespectful. You allow people to have their breast hang out and WEAR NO CLOTHING then you want to ask him to tune it down? Don't be hypocritical! Don't even go there! 


People on stage twerking and acting a fool. It reminds me of church or something. I completely understand the predicament that B. Scott was in. I've been in numerous situations where someone asked me to tone it down, and I couldn't say much nor did I have anyone to help me fight. 


So B. Scott, honey you have a community of people like ourselves, black feminine gay men, black women, and an array of others who KNOW what happened to you and will blast BET for it.

I personally commend you for handling it like a trooper. Been a fan if you since I was 16 years old!!! You are truly a blessing to the world. So please know that this situation with BET was a door that you opened. That means that you are doing what your supposed to do! So we see it and all that you've accomplished! Keep going girl! This is your purpose lovely, I know you know that the spirit is always with you and is using you to communicate some issues that society neglects all the time.

And for ya'll haters out there who are stating that B. Scott is being ungrateful, please have several seats and get it together real quick. He is very humble and knows where he came from. How would you feel if you went somewhere to work and they asked you to turn off who you are? They told you your tie was a bit much for them or you need to change your outfit? Wouldn't you feel disrespected and unappreciated? When someone asks you to do a job for them, they obviously see something in you. 

Instead of muffling people, they need to be focused on expression. You can have everything else on your network, EVERYTHING else yet you can't let the LGBT be themselves. That's the issue, we always encourage LGBT people in our community to tone it down and muffle it. PEOPLE ALREADY KNOW! They know the B. Scott brand! 

My heart is in support of the one and only  B. Scott!

Please share your comments and thoughts. Hugs, wishes, and kisses! 

"I Don't Care if Your Gay, Just Don't Flaunt It!"

Living life as a gay male, I often get frustrated by the logic of some people. Some people embrace the "feminine" qualities within gay men and some despise it.

It really makes me want to run face first into a wall sometimes when I hear people say "it's ok that your gay but, why do you have to throw it in my face? Why do you have to flaunt it? Why can't you be gay but still act like a man?" 

Don't you understand that we are people? It's all expression. Gender expression, sexual expression, physical expression. Heterosexuals get to express themselves and their qualities/characteristics. So why can't we do the same? 

I don't view homosexuality as a lifestyle, it's a path of experience in my eyes. We all have different experiences that bring us challenges. 

The gender binary is so LOCKED! Meaning that "men are supposed to do this, and women are supposed to do that!" But where do we, as LGBT people, fall in the spectrum? 

Those comments, questions and judgements are not only appalling but very insensitive.  Many people have this perception that all gay men are feminine and act the same. So not true! There are masculine gay men, feminine gay men, and some who have a mixture of masc/fem qualities (Them Butch Queens yassssss!!)

And lets not other the hatred within in the gay community. As men, we thrive off of being as straight as possible. "Oh I'm straight acting! I'm a top! I'm this I'm that! I'm a real man! Come taste this machoness!" But it's not a debate about who is a real man, it's about being true to who you are! 

That is why I stand tall as a proud feminine gay male. I was taught that there was something wrong with me. But  I had to fight and continue to do so everyday to prove that I am who i am and that's ok. 

At the same token, I have had to understand that by me living my life, I am taking a risk yet opening the door for other LGBT people all over the world. In a patriarchal world where heterosexual men thrive, our lives are a political stance against the norm. So we have to stay strong and continue to open doors for one another because after racism, homophobia is another festering sickness  of the world. 

So if you are homosexual, be you and stay true to you! I'm trying to do the same! Furthering my understanding of who I am and were I got in this BIG world! Be safe, be wise, be careful. 

Share your comments and thoughts!