The Healing - A 5:43am Cry That I had with God

"I am no longer apologizing for who I am, your gonna deal with me regardless of how you feel." Kaleef Starks


So, let's talk spirituality and religion a little bit. First off, I'm not pushing my views or perspectives on anyone because I feel like all God wants is a RELATIONSHIP with us. We can choose whichever form we want that to be in. It is 5:43am, and I just got done crying on my room floor. I am sitting physically naked, in my rawness, praying. And a wave of love and calmness just came over me. And I began to have instant flashbacks to the painful parts of my life. The pain I experienced in Fresno, and the pain I experienced in Altadena/Pasadena, CA. I OWN all of it, it is mines. I'm taking my power back.

I am Kaleef Starks a young, college educated, working class, African American, Transgender woman, and WOMAN of Color.

My intersecting identities brought a hard childhood upon me because no one understood why a young child was so HYPER FEMININE. He didn't understand the girl that I was, he couldn't fathom nor see it. My father, a physically abusive alcoholic, beat my ass quite often because he wanted to Kill the gift that I had....my womanhood.

My mother was never there for me and wasn't quite fit for me and my brother. She was selfish, a woman who DOES NOT need children, but I come from her....so here I am.


Both of my parents, hurt me deeply as a child. But, I am forgiving both of them because I can't hold that weight forever. I want to be released from that negativity. I understand that I was meant to have them as parents for a reason, although they are not in my life.

This prayer that I had, I cried. I cried hard! And it wasn't because of sadness, it was because of a genuine happiness FOR WHERE I AM NOW! I have done nothing but stayed humble the entire time. In my prayer, I gave in and just thanked the universe and the spirit for guiding me. I appreciate my education, my friends, my family, and everyone who genuinely see's what I'm trying to do with my life. I want to inspire young homeless, foster, LGBT youth of color all around the world. I want to show them that YOUR GIFT is not a bad thing, and that they need to TAKE THEIR LIVES. It's a cold world out here....fight or flight all day. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm not afraid of anything. I'm here, and what is meant to be will be. I'm not a mistake. This is real!

So I thank you God for literally every fiber in my being, and for me remaining Kaleef. In my prayer, I found my answers. Instead of viewing my transition to womanhood as a world disaster, I view it as a gift. I feel 100% liberated. I haven't even began the medical process yet. I just want to share my message.


I am doing this for the young TRANS WOMAN OF COLOR who are in the streets, doing shit they don't want to do to get by. I want to show you all and the world that it's ok to live in your truth, and do my best to try to rep for you all. Now it all makes perfect sense.


So, I don't know where I'm going yet, but I'm going somewhere.

#KNOWDIRECTION

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